Questionable Answers

I saw this cute girl in my exam. How do I say hi?

Dear Distracted.
Carpe Diem, my friend! If this girl is cute enough that you’re asking me for help then you can’t let the opportunity slip away.
As for how to say hi… well, you could try different styles. My favourites are:
1. Sexy Hi. Let out a long slow breath as you say ‘hi’. Draw out each part of the word, and keep your lips slightly apart. Maintain eye contact. Lean towards her. Wink. Repeatedly. Whisper “Ooooh, yeah”. That’s how you do it.
2. Non-threatening Hi. This one will probably be easiest for you. Stare at your feet and mumble. This will signal that you are not a threat and you are less likely to be pepper sprayed.
3. Confident Hi. Stare directly at your target, shout hi and wave vigorously. If she doesn’t respond then repeat as many times as necessary.
That being said, perhaps wait till the exam is over. Invigilators aren’t normally flexible, even if you’ve just found the one.

I’m doing team project and it feels like no one else is pulling their weight. How do I stop myself from beating the rest of the team to death?

Dear Heavy Lifter,
Valencia oranges. Load a few of these sweet, citrus fruits into a (preferably unwashed) footy sock then go to town. The oranges will (hopefully) bruise and split before your teammates do. When you have finally expended your frustrations and your victims, er, team members have promised to do their share if only you will “stop, stop for the love of god stop” you have a healthy and nutritious drink to replenish your energy. Now get back to doing your share of the work.

I’m super-stressed about my entire life right now and cannot even handle it. What should I do?

Dear Shitty Super Power,
Apparently I am not “actually very helpful and unqualified to give advice” so I did some research on the internet and here is my advice to you, via Gwyneth Paltrow.
Walk around barefoot so magic earth juice seeps into your body. Of course, for full benefits you should also buy a $200 mattress protector, a magical yoga mat and some wires to literally plug yourself into your house.
If you have a vagina, put a rock in it. Not any old rock will do though, it needs to be a magical yoni egg. Commonly known as a round, pretty, porous rock that will definitely make you less stressed and not give you a horrible yeast infection.
Drink a magic (and proprietary) potion made from herbs of unknown efficacy or potency. It’s natural, so it must be good!
I hope this helps and that everyone realises that I am at least as good at advice as Gwyneth.

My assignment is due tomorrow, and I haven’t even started. Pls help!

Dear Doomed,
I don’t know if you’ve realised how ye old timey print publication works, but your assignment was probably due more than a month ago. You’re screwed. For next time, we’ve got advice galore in the rest of this edition, but we’d suggest you have a look now rather than within 24 hours of deadline.
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Disclaimer: This is obviously satire. If you are silly enough to take this advice, you were probably going to do this stuff without us telling you to, anyway.