Questionable Answers

Hi,
This is a stupid question but can I leave my tute or lecture to go to the bathroom? Do I need to ask permission? What is the correct etiquette?

Dear Pee-brain,
Urination during classes is strictly forbidden as general misconduct. As a tertiary student you should be able to manage your fluid intake so as to not need to pee during a lecture or tutorial. I would also like to assure you that your lecturer will notice and will definitely care if you leave a lecture at any point. It WILL affect your final grade.
If you find you still need to pee then cross your legs and jiggle a lot. A UTI is a small price to pay for maximising your educational experience.
If you absolutely cannot hold on then the correct etiquette is to move to the front of the lecture theatre. Clear your throat repeatedly until the lecturer acknowledges you then, in a clear loud voice explain that you need to “go pee-pee real baaaaaaaad!” Be sure not to mumble or the recorded lecture will not properly document your shame.

Hello,
I’ve seen a lot of 80’s movies recently, and realise that playing music outside her window is a great way to woo a girl. Any song recommendations?

Dear Stuck in Shermer,
What a great idea! For your first date you can go roller skating then watch a John Hughes movie on beta-max. She’ll realise you’re never gonna give her up, let her down, run around or desert her.
Seriously though, your plan is stupid. No modern girl is going to fall for that. Instead, you should plan and choreograph a huge flash mob set to Strawberry Kisses. Nostalgia is a powerful emotion, and nothing is sexier than putting someone on the spot in front of a huge crowd of complete strangers.
Maybe this time you’ll have more success than your primary school disco.

Hi,
I like this guy that works at my local chemist, we haven’t spoken before but my god he’s beautiful. I don’t know how to approach him or what to say but I want him to be mine. I’ve only gotten his first name by looking at his badge but I can’t find him on social media. He seems like the type of guy that doesn’t talk to girls and keeps his head down but I think I’ve seen him looking at me. What should I do?!

Dear Pharmaceuticals with Benefits,
When dealing with a shy guy you need to put yourself out there. Next time you see him at work buy a large box of flavoured condoms and loudly state that it’s such a shame you don’t have anyone to share your dinner with. And wink. A lot.
If that doesn’t work, try to buy something with codeine or pseudoephedrine so he’ll ask for your licence. So now you smile, look him dead in the eye and suggest that given he knows your address, he can pick you up at seven.
Good luck with your date.

To whom it may concern,
My girlfriend and I are looking to spice things up a bit. Can you recommend a hot sauce that’s both delicious and hypo allergenic, as I have sensitive skin.

Dear Posh Spice
Love is a burnin’ thing. And it makes a fiery ring. I’d start out with something pretty mild, and make sure you have some wipes handy in case it’s a little spicier than expected.
You do you, but if anything is heating up in the bedroom, I’d suggest you make sure you’ve cleaned up all traces of chilli before touching anything below the belt.
That being said, unless you’re on a diet, chocolate, whipped cream, and honey all seem like much simpler ways of contracting a UTI.

Disclaimer: This is obviously satire. If you are silly enough to take this advice, you were probably going to do this stuff without us telling you to.