“How are you?”
I hate this question. Because, well, what do I say?
I’m running off the sugar in my coffee, and the fear of not paying the rent this week? I was okay an hour ago, but something shifted and now I’m not? I want to lay in bed with my cat curled into me and her paws on my arm? I want to go home, but it isn’t home I want to go to? I think I’m hungry, but I don’t know if it’s my body or my brain telling me not to eat?
I don’t know how I am.
I am breathing, I guess.
“I’m good, how abo-”
“Nooo, but what’s happening? Tell me! I haven’t seen you in ages!”
What is happening?
Well, I have an assignment due in an hour, and I don’t care enough to start it. I’m failing something I signed myself up to, but I’m only failing because I’m not trying. I guess that makes me lazy. I keep telling myself that having my laptop open means I’m doing work.
I spend too much time on Instagram.
I can’t decide the positioning of my next tattoo. My cat doesn’t want to cuddle as much anymore.
I stood on the highest level of the building today, and I could see the city skyline, and I felt like I could fly. My eyes watered from the sun reflecting off the clouds. I was happy.
I felt like my boyfriend, who loves me, doesn’t love me.
There’s nothing in my email inbox.
I spent two hours trying to convince myself it’s okay for people to see me wear the jumper I wore yesterday. I have somehow formed an emotional connection to this jumper. I bought it a month ago with money I didn’t have. It’s grey and was overpriced.
I was late.
There’s nothing in my messages inbox, either.
I keep doing the same searches and closing the same tabs because I can’t afford a holiday, although I think maybe I could. I don’t know where I’d go. I used to know. I wanted to go to Europe, but then our trip became her trip.
I don’t like this song on my playlist, but it’s easier to skip it than remove it. I need to check when my library books are due. I still haven’t read them.
It’s her birthday next week, and I need to get her a present. I don’t know if I hate her or love her, so I ignore the conundrum and smile while I’m there, and cry when I leave. I don’t know what to get her. Probably something nice.
I smiled twice today. There was a plane, turned gold by the sun, and a bird, sitting on a powerline.
I miss the sun.
“Nothing much, honestly! Tell me about you!”
“Okay, so, you won’t believe -”
