I am 22 and I haven’t had sex in 3 years, because ever since I was a little girl I have believed that romantic love should be a priority in my life.
The media I consumed heavily informed this belief.
I loved the 1999 romantic comedy Never Been Kissed starring Drew Barrymore as socially awkward journalist Josie Geller who goes undercover at a high school to research a story. Josie’s lack of experience with romantic relationships, informs her insecurities and an overall dissatisfaction with life. The resolution of the film revolves around Josie’s romantic success, culminating in a romantic relationship. The ending implies that her self-worth, confidence and happiness are closely tied to finding love and gaining romantic or male validation.
The archetype of a woman finding empowerment through a makeover or love interest is explored repeatedly in films like Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001), Miss Congeniality (2000), The Princess Diaries (2001). These films reinforce the idea that romance is a significant marker of success and personal fulfilment.
Children’s TV shows like Hannah Montana (2006-2011), Lizzie McGuire (2001-2004) and Wizards of Waverly Place (2007-2012) often blended romance with adventure and comedy, reinforcing the idea that romantic relationships are important to a girl’s life, even at a young age.
Sex And The City (SATC) (1998) ultimately ended with protagonist Carrie sacrificing her sanity, friendships, and hurting others in the conquest of Mr Big. Despite the shows ending, it was revolutionary, it showcased sexually empowered female characters and tackled taboo subjects, reinforcing the idea that women hold power in sexual relationships.
I think that celibacy has allowed women to employ this power, whilst rejecting the idea that love, and male validation equals fulfillment.
The term celibacy is derived from Christianity and relates to people who vow not to have sex for religious reasons. It has recently been adopted as a synonym for abstinence, meaning to refrain from sex for reasons unrelated to religion, which is the category that I and many others fall under.
TikTok creator Hope Woodward (@justhopinalong) coined the term “Boy Sober” to describe her celibacy journey. This sparked discussions among hundreds of thousands of people about their own experiences with celibacy, particularly in a heterosexual, monogamous context. Videos underneath the #BoySober and #Celibacy hashtags have millions of views and likes.
When I was 19, I got out of a long-term relationship. I analysed my feelings and found that I held the belief that a romantic partner was a key component to my self-worth. I decided to dismantle this belief system and improve my relationships with myself. In turn I became celibate. This has given me an opportunity to appreciate my early 20s and discover myself in my purest form, free from the influence of others. The longer I stay ‘Boy Sober’ the more I appreciate its worth. Whilst I see the value of romantic relationships, by decentring them I have allowed myself more time to foster stronger relationships with friendships and family. I have also travelled around the world and committed to my education and future career prospects, all of which I am unsure I would’ve been able to focus so intently on without celibacy.
TikTok Creator Ella Jae (@ellaajaee) posted a reflection on her 1.5-year celibacy journey, sharing that celibacy was empowering. She stated, ‘I realised I was getting used a lot…I felt like an instrument to their satisfaction and not like a real human being with a soul… I didn’t want to feel like an object anymore… it allowed me to grow and learn about myself as a human… it allowed me to go inwards and facilitate introspection without worrying about the male gaze’.
I interviewed 20-year-old Holly Croxford from Melbourne who shared that she has been celibate for 10 months, as she wants to de-centre romance and men. She stated, ‘This [celibacy] led me to realise that I was putting so much energy and effort into men who actually did not care about me. I was actually driving myself kinda crazy, wondering if I was pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, interesting enough… the list goes on. I was constantly waiting for a text back, for them to view my story or like my post or ask me on a proper date. My life had literally revolved around men since I was 15, I’m nearly 21.’ She continued, ‘I do not need a man in my life to make it any better because I already have everything that I need, and there is so much more to life than having a romantic partner.’
Political celibacy is gaining traction. Actress Julia Fox highlighted this trend in a recent interview on the Zach Sang show, revealing she had been celibate for two years in response to the reversal of Roe v. Wade in the United States. Meanwhile, Korean women are protesting gendered violence through the 4B movement, which rejects relationships with men.
Furthermore, a 2023 study conducted by The Women’s Studies International Forum ‘Neither incel or volcel: Relational accounts of UK women’s sexual abstinence’ investigated reasons why women are abstinent. Its key finding was that ‘abstinence was practised by some women as a way of carving out a space of independence and autonomy in a male-dominated society’. Study Participant Yvette stated, ‘[I’m abstinent because] I don’t want to give anyone any power or control over me’. For participant Alora, abstinence was defiance, she stated ‘It was just me wanting to be in in control of myself and not wanting any man to dictate how I feel’.
Catherine Gray the author of the Unexpected Joy of Being Single stated, “I don’t think the celibate revolution is about sex. I think it’s about a global realisation that we’re not half-people, incomplete or unrealised as women when single,”. She continued, “In many ways, we can only become fully complete when we take the time – even if only a year – to stand by ourselves. We find out who exactly we are, what we want, what we enjoy. It’s almost impossible to do that when somebody else is in the picture.”
Women are dabbling in celibacy, whether it is an act of self-care, self-preservation, rejection of romantic validation or a strive to de-centre men. Regardless of if you would or wouldn’t have a period of celibacy its lessons can offer an alternative perspective on how to approach romantic relationships.
Read this article in New Perspectives, WSUP’s Magazine Print edition
