It’s an historical travesty! Monging is in peril! Monging one’s wares is well and truly over. Having a fishmonger mong your fish or having your armour monged by an ironmonger is sadly no more. It was the height of professionalism but alas, the years have turned monging into hateful practices. You might shout whoremonger in disdain or have your land plagued by a warmonger and his troops. Worst of all, you find you are surrounded by hatemongers and gossipmongers. Damn those scaremongers! We must reverse the trend! Bring back mongering!
The first thing I did once faced with this conundrum was to head swiftly to the library and seek out the campus book mongers. Of course, when I say swiftly I mean I made a long detour to the bar café to purchase my beverage from the campus coffee monger. I greeted the coffee monger by her new title and she was pleased. We discussed monging for a short time, after which I bid her farewell and continued on my way. I approached the bookmongers at the library and hailed them by their new title. Unfortunately, libraries loan books rather than sell them, so book monger was put back on the shelf. However, I was still at a loss at how to go about my business, my monging you might say, so I contacted my brother.
We discussed monging in great depth, my brother and I, and we consulted with our friends. Calling someone a whore monger was wrong, we decided, because if you monged whores you would just be a pimp or Madame. Could you imagine seeking out a lady of the night saying “who is it that mongs these whores?” to which someone replies, “I do, I shall mong a whore to you, for I am the whoremonger!” And hatemonger? How do you trade hate? Imagine that, someone mongering hate. “How shall I fashion this hate for you?”… “Well I only have a few quid”… “I’m sorry but the hate I monger is of the highest quality and fetches a fair price! Perhaps you should see Joe down the street, he mongers a cheaper quality of hate that you could afford. Now off with you, I must monger my hate to a higher class of clientele”
No! These negative uses of the word must stop. We should be calling bakers bread mongers: butchers meat mongers; designers fashion mongers; Sheep farmers wool mongers (or maybe that is the sheep); lecturers and tutors education mongers. But it need not end there! Fruit mongers can mong fruit. Obi Wan Kenobi can be a Jedi monger. Zombies are scare mongers. Werewolves are lycon mongers. Mongers can lead society, bringing respect and peace to all lands. No more warmongers, scaremongers, or fear mongers! Though it must be noted that fear mongering means the same as scare mongering. It is impossible to mong fear and scare at the same time. We may need to find a word monger to rectify this problem. Be that as it may, my point is we shall all live in harmony, as harmony mongers and peace mongers.
As you can imagine, my genius on this matter was too much to withhold. I made an appointment with my psychologist the thought monger, and my psychiatrist the brain monger. The psychiatrist loved the new title, but the psychologist felt cheated and preferred cognitive monger. Thankfully neither of them thought me a psycho monger.
I honestly believe we should change the rules. Start calling everyone a monger. You only get to mong life once, become a fun monger. Hopefully I have turned you all into future mongers. That would make me a monger monger; a monger that mongs mongers.
IMAGE: Taylor Herring